I’ve learned a lot about narcissism in the last few days. Mostly, I’ve learned how it presents itself in parents. I feel like it’s a hard thing to learn that you have been affected by a narcissist especially when that person is someone who is supposed to give you unconditional love.
Growing up, I never realized how much of my mood depended on that of my parents. If they were in a good mood then that meant that we were going to have a good day, sound familiar? I hope it doesn’t because I have recently learned that it is not normal to do that. I also learned that the reason I desperately try to make my partner’s day better is because I’m so used to having to do that for my parents. Somehow, I feel it is my responsibility to take care of the feelings of those around me and feel like they solely depend on me. At times, I feel this can be a good thing but the more I realize how engrained in me it is, I see how bad it can be.
I will say that the hardest “step” in learning to manage a narcissistic relationship especially with a parent is that of radical acceptance. If you’re anything like me, you just keep waiting for them to change. You hope that one day they will wake up and realize how poorly they have treated you. Maybe they would one day see that you are enough and that you have accomplished so much. Well, after all of my research, this is simply not the case. In their eyes, you may never be enough and you have to accept that you can’t change that. Try as you might, you can’t.
This is a part of another step in managing that relationship known as setting realistic expectations. Surely you’ve heard the saying that if you don’t set expectations, you can’t be disappointed, right? I feel that concept is especially prevalent here. You might have this idea of a wonderful, accepting, loving parent in your head that you hope they become. Though it is a wonderful idea, there comes a point when you will have to face that this simply won’t be them. Ask yourself, has it ever been them? If they have never been this, it might be safe to say it will never be them.
The feeling you have right now is where I also live. It’s a grim existence and one I simply was not prepared for. How I wish my life were different, my parents were different, my situation were different. I’m hoping I escape this soon and reach the next phase, whatever that may be.
